Wednesday, August 27, 2008

A Dip into the Hate Mail, Part 1 in a Series

So when I first made this blog I consulted a few web sites on how to promote it. What they basically said was ride another site's coattails until yours develops its own following. So that's what I attempted to do on the AV Club message boards, which are in my humble opinion the best message boards in creation. My strategy would be to cite this blog both on the top and the bottom of each post. Simple as that.

Apparently to some people, internet self-promotion is akin to tossing a small child out out of a moving car. I will attempt to re-create what transpired on this fateful message board. For a complete and unadulterated view, click here.

My first post was in response to a previous post, and read as follows:

RE: Getting them
by draincleaner.blogspot.com
I agree, and commend the thoughtful firstie. It really was a nice, sweet movie--kind of like a girl that would be really attractive if only she said something interesting once in a while, and is therefore only moderately attractive. draincleaner.blogspot.com
2:34 AM Mon August 18, 2008

Admittedly a pretty stupid post. How stupid do the others find it (and everything I do for that matter)? Let's find out:

RE: Getting them
by The R-Word
Oren, your blog sucks. Please refrain from using these comments to advertise your stupid fucking blog. Thank you.
3:02 AM Mon August 18, 2008

This one brought me back to high school:

RE: Getting them
by Jorge Von Salsa
You keep fishing for readers with that BS URL signoff, brother, and it's going to make you less and less popular.
3:16 AM Mon August 18, 2008

It was good Jorge reminded me of this, because sometimes I forget to care about what anonymous strangers think of me.


And one more for good measure:


RE: Getting them
by J. Goo
Draincleaner: That was a nice, sweet post - kind of like a relentlessly self-promoting jagoff that would be vaguely tolerable if only he said something interesting once in a while, and is therefore the worst person in the world. yououghtagargle.draincleaner.blogspot.com
4:12 AM Mon August 18, 2008

Here is where I respond with what I think is a fairly reasonable defense:


RE: Getting them
by draincleaner.blogspot.com
It must be tough being you guys, being forced to read my blog and my posts. Oh wait, you're not being forced. Why are you complaining again? draincleaner.blogspot.com
4:21 AM Mon August 18, 2008


And the counter-argument:



RE: Getting them
by Bob On This
I'm complaining because you seem to think it's okay to promote your blog on these comment boards. Everybody else here exercises restraint and does not pervert this forum to serve the interests of their business or hobby. You have repeatedly violated decorum here. So fuck the hell off.
4:43 AM Mon August 18, 2008


RE: Getting them
by Lemur
Because even the name of your blog is fucking stupid.
4:49 AM Mon August 18, 2008


RE: Getting them
by Confucius.fakeblogspot.com
Man who promotes blog on AV Club looks in mirror to find only friend, looks in palm of hand to find only girlfriend. confucius.fakeblogspot.com
5:10 AM Mon August 18, 2008


Just for the record, I have over 400 facebook friends, and I've had sex (with women) like 10 times, so yeah, nice try.


Here's where I give up and concede the fight to the haters:


RE: Getting them
by draincleaner.blogspot.com
I am terribly sorry I offended you people. I will, from now on, post as ChairFace. Thank you for your ridicule and obsenities [sic].
7:15 AM Mon August 18, 2008


So this does not end the ridicule of me, but it does make it more clever and a little less childish. Let's look:


RE: Getting them
by Johnny Hildo
Would anybody here like to start their own business *and* make six figures in the next year? Ask me how, visit my site at Amway.com!or are is it called Confederated Products?
7:53 AM Mon August 18, 2008


RE: Getting them
by phel
I made $6,000 this week, and from home! I must be crazy! Crazy like a fox! Visit my website: www.kdghiuontekaicrazyfox73ihilgheialnsitjslg.com
8:31 AM Mon August 18, 2008


RE: Getting them
by Jorge Von Salsa
I can't take ChairFace seriously until he writes his URL on the lunar landscape with a giant laser.
9:14 AM Mon August 18, 2008


And then people start posting using my name to shore up a bit more hate:


RE: Getting them
by ChairFace
Hey, everyone should check out this awesome blog: draincleaner.blogspot.com
9:09 AM Mon August 18, 2008


And finally:


RE: Gravity Train
by Seriously Guys
You're all a bunch of pussies.
2:21 PM Mon August 25, 2008


I am, of course, not the first person to be panned on the internet for trivial reasons. The plot of the Kevin Smith movie Jay and Silent Bob Strike Back is basically about two gentlemen who wish to stop the filming of a movie so that posters on MoviePoopShoot.com will stop berating them. A line at the end of the movie, delivered by Jason Lee, sums internet insults up succinctly: "That's what the internet is for: slandering others anonymously." Or, in other words:


RE: Getting them
by maddog
Elton John is fab-o! I'm a Rocket Maaaaaaaan. Something somethin, somethin be a long long time. Looking forward to more of this featurette. if you've got the nerve to promote your blog so obnoxiously, at least grow some balls and weather the inevitable attack.
9:56 AM Mon August 18, 2008


That might just be some good advice, considering the day all these events transpired saw my blog's highest traffic since its inception. Hopefully, with a little legwork, I can make a series out of my hatemail. Stay tuned for more.

Sunday, August 17, 2008

Ethnic Hatred and the Red-Headed Scotsman


I was watching the Morgan Spurlock movie where he's looking for Osama bin Laden yesterday. It's kind of a lame movie, but with a big heart, and Spurlock is a dreamboat when he grows his beard out and tries to look like an Arab even though he is so obviously a red-haired Scotsman. Nice try, buddy.

But he spends a bit of time on the Israel-Palestine conflict, and talks about how it is the rallying call of Islamic Fundamentalists, which is the truth. He talks to people on both sides, and the only people that really come off as douche bags are the Hasidic Jews. Being Jewish myself, I think I am entitled to say that I'm not really surprised.

A lot of people have an opinion on this conflict. Most left-wing people, who I usually agree with, are Pro-Palestinian, sometimes to the extent that they believe that the Jews need to leave and find a new place to shack up. This, in my opinion, is an absolutely ridiculous solution to the problem.

We need to dig into history a bit to understand the situation. First, remember that Israel was founded as a state very soon after the end of WWII and the holocaust. It doesn't take a PHD in psychology to understand that people who've had most of their family and friends tossed into ovens by a man with a silly little mustache won't put up with a lot of bullshit. And they might even act a bit selfishly at times. But who can blame them? They just suffered through one of the biggest tragedies in modern history.

So these Jews want a place where they can call the shots, so they don't have to suffer though another debacle like the holocaust. So, when the Brits and the UN decide that they can all live in Israel, the Jews start cleaning house. They kick out a bunch of Palestinians, kill a few for good measure, and lock the rest in what basically amount to cages. Better safe than sorry.

So the Palestinians are pissed off, and rightfully so. They fight back, and you can't really blame them. They're in the right. But are the Jews in the wrong? What would have happened if they tried to integrate with the Palestinians and trying to softly shove them out of power? Would the Palestinians be down with this situation? Probably not. Would there be bloodshed exceeding that in the actual history of the Israeli State? My intuition is yes.

I took an ethics class last year in college. In it, we learned about two theories of punishment. Retributivist punishment is backwards-looking punishment, which involves punishing someone proportionally to what they did in, supposedly in order to restore the natural balance of justice in a society. This is the philosophy exists in Israel and Palestine right now. Utilitarian punishment is a forward-looking philosophy that involves punishing someone in a way that will best serve society. This is what Israel and Palestine need.

The Israelis and Palestinians needs mutual trust and understanding. They need leaders that don't let their plans get screwed up by extremists. Easier said than done. But I wrote this mainly to show that one doesn't need to be Pro-Palestinian or Pro-Israeli because neither of these people are evil, and because basically because everybody is getting fucked. What we need are more people to call for an end to the fighting instead of just taking sides.

If you are reading this, you have surprised me with your patience. If you comment now, you'll be the first one ever to comment on one of my posts. Be a trend-setter.

Mahalo.

Sunday, August 10, 2008

The World's Most Beloved English Misogynist

Now that Daniel Craig has assumed the role of James Bond and rescued it from the last few Brosnan outings, which were garbage (though Goldeneye and the World is Not Enough were dope), I think it might be time to reflect on just what this character reflected about our past, and what it continues to reflect about our present.

It shouldn't come as a surprise to anyone that James Bond represents a sort of superficial wish fulfillment for men, much as Sex and the City does for some of our society's more vapid women or Entourage does for adolescent boys and men with adolescent dispositions. The first scene in Dr. No, the first James Bond movie, is a perfect idealized representation of what it meant to be a man in the early 60's:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_eAXJOUTcj4

And there is something about the character that still appeals to a man today, which is why it has survived. It makes me giggle like a little girl every time I hear him say "Bond, James Bond" in that scene. But should a man in real life live like James Bond does in make-believe life? Craig and Co. have attempted to humanize the character by showing how he fell in love and then got hurt in Casino Royale, the assumption being that his womanizing in subsequent movies is a defense mechanism caused by this initial lost love.

But is that really what the public wants? I, for one, have no feelings, and have trouble relating to those that do. James Bond was my last refuge in a world of metrosexual male protagonists like Jason Bourne, who was always whining about how he can't remember anything and who didn't take advantage of Julia Stiles after that German chick died, even though it would have been totally easy since he had the badass, super-soldier thing going for him, and since she's probably desperate since she hasn't had much of a career since 10 Things I hate About You, and that came out in '97 or something.

I suppose it had to happen this way. First they burn their bras, and then a few decades later they burn our fictional misogynist role-models. I think I'll move to Saudi Arabia, where my kind is more appreciated.

Wednesday, August 6, 2008

On to Matters of Greater Weight...

Now that I have a job, I can turn my mind to matters other than bitching about the bad economy. I think I'll use my time here to ruminate on the gift of sleep.

Sleep, of course, was invented by the Almighty in His infinite wisdom. He invented it mainly to make use of all of the beds that He had willed into being after his great creative fit that occurred around 11 hours after the beginning of time. He thought that humanity might appreciate a time in which we were allowed to become unconscious and drool on ourselves, and occasionally get up and walk around and do silly things and then forget all about them afterwards.

But today, as I sit here, I find myself deprived of sleep. I woke up at 5AM this morning for my new (wonderful, marvelous) job. And I find myself cursing God for inventing sleep, though this is a very stupid thing to do, for we all know that God carries a loaded gun. So, in the interest of not upsetting the Almighty, I will now try to recoup and try to quiet my heretical thoughts.

Tuesday, August 5, 2008

A Plea to Mercy and Good Taste

BIG NEWS!
Got a job (finally), and I'm starting tomorrow morning at 6:30AM which, coincidentally, is my most favorite time to be awake. My job is as a personal assistant. Or rather more like an assistant to a personal assistant. All I know is that it involves making salmon in a microwave and occasionally polishing silverware.

But, more importantly, I would like to settle something regarding things I may or may not have said in previous posts. I want to make it absolutely clear that I in no way derive any sort of pleasure from making light of others or what they do, and that anyone that pays me any amount of money instantly becomes, in my mind, infallible. Any ill-conceived jokes I made in previous posts were done only to elicit laughter from my readership (a.k.a. my parents).

So if you read anything in this blog that you might have found offensive or crude, remember that it's all just to make my parents laugh. Or maybe it was terrorists. Whatever you find to be more plausible. And if you're my new boss, please don't fire me. Mahalo.

Sunday, August 3, 2008

Climbing Down the Ladder

My frustration with the current job market continues to grow. I'm thinking about trying to find where day laborers go to get work and taking my chances there. Not many people with college degrees do that, and I feel like it might be an eye-opening experience for me. More on that as it progresses.

Friday, August 1, 2008

Creative Ways to Make Use of Your College Diploma

A college diploma is a wonderful keepsake. There it is in your hands, the product of thousands (hundreds if you're like me) of hours of work and sometimes up to hundreds of thousands of dollars. They come in that roll with the cute little ribbon tying it off, giving it that air of importance that comes from the days when people tied important documents in ribbons before adjourning to don a three-cornered hat and kill some uppity Indians with their fire-death sticks.

But college graduates soon learn that not everything that looks important actually is important. The economy is apparently in such a shambles that not even Dick Cheney's cardiologist can cure it. In these trying economic times, many graduates have taken to applying for jobs that don't require a college degree. I have inquired about job opportunities from Cold Stone Creamery where, if my application is accepted, I will be singing like a vaudeville prostitute every time someone drops a nickel in the tip jar.

So, in light of all of these developments, does it turn out my college education was a waste of time? Of course not! I still have the diploma, and there are all sorts of uses that can come out of that. I can line the bottom of my birdcage with it so that every time my beautiful cockatoo Fifi makes a doo-doo, the mess and odor will be absorbed by my broken dreams. God bless America.